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Motivation
One
Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day
off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said: "Winston
Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go
home."
The teacher then said: "Ask not what your country can do for
you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out:
"John F.Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, little
Johnny said:
"I
wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to
know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said: "Bill Clinton.
I'll see you Monday."
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Standbeelden
Twee
standbeelden, die een naakte man en een al even naakte vrouw
voorstellen, staan tegenover elkaar in het park.
Enkele
honderden jaren nadat ze daar zijn neergezet in het park, daalt er
een engel tot hen neer.
Met één enkel handgebaar wekt de engel de beelden tot leven.
De
engel zegt: "Ik ben gezonden om jullie verzoek om te kunnen
bewegen in te willigen. Maar wees vlug, je krijgt slechts een
kwartier en daarna worden jullie weer twee stenen
standbeelden." De man en de vrouw kijken
elkaar aan, hun ogen glinsteren van de voorpret. Ze blozen allebei
en ze verdwijnen in de struiken om te doen waar ze zolang al naar
verlangd hebben.
Een hevig geritsel weerklinkt en zeven minuten later komen beiden
terug.
De
engel glimlacht: "Dat waren maar zeven minuten, waarom ga je
niet terug en doe je het nog eens?"
De
beelden kijken elkaar weer aan en tenslotte zegt de vrouw: "Waarom niet? Maar laten we
nu de rollen omkeren: Jij houdt nou die duif vast en ík schijt op zijn kop."
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The
Question
Young
Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country,
son. |
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The
Mailman
It
was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family
there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At
the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars.
The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.
She
took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom, where
she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever
experienced.
When
he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All
this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I
asked him what to give you.
He
said: Fuck him, give him a dollar!
The breakfast was my
idea."
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Flying
A
young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job.
The
manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid
says: "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well,
the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His
first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales
did you make today?
"Kid says: "One."
The boss says: "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales a day!
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says: "$101,237.64."
Boss says: "$101,237.64 !?
What
the hell did you
sell?"
Kid
says:
"First
I sold him a small fish hook.
Then
I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then
I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then
I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so
I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it. So I took
him down to the car department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer..."
The boss said: "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and truck..?"
Kid says: "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife. And I said: Well, your weekend is ruined, you might as well go
fishing."
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Business
Moshe
Cohen opens a kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the
window:
"ARABS NOT WELCOME".
A
couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in
and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's
office asking what to do.
Moshe
decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders:
"OK,
give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach
him."
No
sooner said than done.
But
the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full
lunch.
Moshe
decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this
time!"
The
Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and
even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same
evening.
Moshe
decides: "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends
do come, charge them tenfold!"
The
Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without
complaining and even tip generously.
So
the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT
WELCOME."
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Jokes